There are many humorous events in life. Two of my favorite subjects are golf and grandchildren. I have had some interesting experiences in both categories. All of this is intertwined, of course, with the fact that I am getting older by the minute, and that is demonstrated in my interaction with both golf and grandkids.
As far as golf is concerned, I find it to be my best form of exercise. I used to play sports that involve running (baseball, basketball, etc.), but now, in phase 2 of my life, I have to walk to exercise. I suppose that phase 3 will limit me to checkers! But for now, golf allows me to enjoy being outdoors, pretend to be an athlete (that is quite a “stretch”), fellowship with friends, and still get a senior discount. How can you beat a deal like that?
I am now a septuagenarian. That is not a disease, although many infirmities come along with it. Neither does it refer to any specific diet I am on, although it certainly affects what I can eat. Nor does it mean that I spend my life studying the Greek translation of the Old Testament. It is an age reference, and if you don’t know what it means, look it up. It is a great word to add to your vocabulary, and it is my attempt to get some sympathy.
A friend of mine recently asked if there was a cure for the aging process, and I replied that the only thing I knew that would stop the aging process is a funeral! I don’t think he liked my answer.
My age not only allows me to get a discount on green fees, but it affects golf in other ways as well. One goal that older golfers sometimes have is to “shoot your age,” which means that your golf score for 18 holes matches your age. Right now, I shoot my age about 25 years into the future!
Despite what the golf equipment makers say about the “miracle” of titanium technology, I am not buying into the lie that modern golf clubs make modern golf balls go further. My experience has proved that golf balls do not travel as far as they did 30 years ago, no matter what materials are used in them! The claim that Rory McElroy hit a tee shot 367 yards at Quail Hollow last week must be part of a manufacturer’s conspiracy, aided by digital TV coverage, no doubt enhanced by a computer! They also claimed that he hit a 9-iron from a distance at which I would use a 3-wood. You just can’t believe what you see on TV these days!
The good news for me, is that golf balls do not go as far into the woods as they used to, and they tend to just roll into the edge of the lake, rather than flying all the way out to the middle of it like before. A good ball retriever is essential equipment for one with my experience in golf. My golfing expertise is further demonstrated in what I call “Duffer-nitions.” I have fifty of these,and here they are.
“Duffer-nitions”
(Common golf terms that have special meaning for duffers)
Dr. Charles L. Surrett
1. Woods: a type of club with which to hit a golf ball, and the place to go look for it after the shot.
2. High handicapper: the politically-correct way to designate a lousy golfer.
3. Scratch golfer: one who encounters poison ivy while looking for his ball.
4. Bogey: a good score on any hole at any course in the world.
5. 90 Degree rule: the maximum allowable variation that the golf ball can take from its intended path to the target.
6. Slice: the exception to the 90 Degree rule mentioned above.
7. Dogleg: the one hole on which your tee shot does not slice.
8. Mulligan: a duffer’s best friend. The more friends by this name one has, the more he enjoys a round of golf.
9. Hazard: another name for a golf course.
10. Handicap: the duffer’s swing.
11. Fade: what happens to a duffer’s “hot streak” after one good hole.
12. Bunker: a place to keep your playing partners from seeing what happens.
13. Scorecard: a place to imaginatively record some of the events of a day of golfing.
14. Birdie: what one writes down after cheating.
15. Eagle: what one writes down after really cheating.
16. Hole-in-one: the reason a duffer rejects one golf glove and puts on another.
17. Fat: a good excuse to play golf; as in, “I’m getting fat. I need to go to the golf course.” Also, a description of 75% of all fairway shots.
18. Draw: sometimes used to describe the subtle curvature of a golf ball in flight, but more often a proper description of what needs to be done to make an 8 look like a 6 on the scorecard.
19. Cut: what a duffer yells as his ball flies toward a body of water or a sand trap.
20. Duffer: a golfer who is even worse than the one calling him by that name.
21. Bad lie: what happens when a duffer fills out his scorecard.
22. Average golfer: one who is as bad as you are.
23. Practice swing: the one you should have used to hit the ball.
24. Dub: what happens when you flub with your club.
25. Putt: a nervous reaction to the dilemma of having a golf ball on the green.
26. Three-putt: that which precedes the last attempt to get the ball in the hole.
27. One-putt: that which follows the third chip.
28. Fore: a term normally yelled every time a driver is used.
29. Driver: a club to be used when a slice of over 90 degrees is required.
30. Tee time: that which dominates a would-be golfer’s thoughts as he is stranded in a traffic jam or sitting in his office.
31. Pro shop: a place where an amateur spends money. The term “am shop” would not be nearly as marketable.
32. Duck hook: what happens when a right-handed golfer’s tee shot turns sharply to the left, scattering waterfowl and plunging into the pond.
33. Shank: what a duffer does to avoid hitting the ball too far.
34. Gimme: a conceded putt. The distance usually varies from about six inches (when one is playing well) to as much as five feet (when back to normal). In the latter case, if your opponent does not concede the putt, you concede it yourself.
35. Greens in regulation: this author has no idea what that means.
36. Unplayable lie: when a golf ball lands in the vicinity of a rattlesnake, copperhead, alligator, moose, skunk, or even some geese. In some locales, it is best to play with old golf balls.
37. Full turn: when a duffer eats two hot dogs after nine holes.
38. Cart path: a place to hit brand-new golf balls.
39. Senior tee: the place from which to start each hole, if you are afraid that your wife might beat you.
40. Championship tee: colorful decoration for a golf course. Otherwise, it serves no useful purpose.
41. Blue flag: a good excuse to hit the ball over the green.
42. Red flag: a good excuse to come up short.
43. White flag: a good reason to look for some other excuse.
44. Wedge: a club that is specially-designed to help the shot come up short.
45. Rough: a descriptive term for a round of golf.
46. Slight adjustment: that which turns a 90 degree slice into a duck hook.
47. Block out: what a duffer does to the final total on his scorecard.
48. Overlapping grip: what one does to the steering wheel of the golf cart when driving too fast over bumps.
49. Lip-out: description of a golfer who pouts when he loses.
50. Par: the reason a duffer will play golf again.
“That Four-foot, Side-hill Putt”
by Charles L Surrett
I’m fairly at ease with driver in hand;
Approach shots are “passable,” but . . .
When I get to the green, I face the dread scene
Of that four-foot, side-hill putt.
My heart starts to pound, my palms line with sweat,
I feel a big knot in my gut.
How much will it break? How firm should be the stroke?
For that four-foot, side-hill putt.
I walk ‘round the green, surveying the scene.
Will this putt “draw” or “cut?”
I look at the grain, but I never will drain
That four-foot, side-hill putt.
“The firmer the stroke, the less it will break,”
I tell myself wishfully, but . . .
My body forgets when my hands move forward
On that four-foot, side-hill putt.
It may be for par, perhaps even a birdie,
And a chance to practice my strut.
But reality strikes and birdies fly away,
From that four-foot, side-hill putt.
Below the hole, I know there’s a chance.
Even above it is possible, but . . .
It takes at least two when I have to do,
That four-foot, side-hill putt.
I write down a bogey, or maybe an “other,”
Then tee off with hope again, but . . .
There’s really no hope, because I cannot cope
With that four-foot, side-hill putt.
A drive with a slice is not very nice,
But the door to success is not shut,
‘Til I hit the next shot, then chip to the spot
Of that four-foot, side-hill putt.
From tee to green, I’m fairly serene,
But I suddenly act like a nut,
When, to my chagrin, I face it again,
That four-foot, side-hill putt.
I start each new round on the practice green,
Hoping to get out of the rut.
But I cannot make, when it doesn’t even count,
That four-foot, side-hill putt.
I’ve dreamed of the tour, but one thing is sure,
There’s no chance of making the cut.
No matter how good my iron and wood,
There’s that four-foot, side-hill putt.